Lots of us know what it feels like to hit rock bottom. Its scary, defeating and just plain depressing. Whats worse is when you hit rock bottom and you just keep going and going and going and going. These are often the times we feel most alone and most scared, and always almost seem to follow some bugger saying ” Hey it can’t get worse” and when it does get worse they remind you ” hey it could be worse”, reminding you that things can and probably will get worse. So for anyone out there who might feel just a little less along from hearing it, I am going to just blindly express my current experiences with rock bottom. I say rock bottom, I am pretty low and keep getting lower, if I really do find a “bottom” to this situation, I will let you know. Also – Trigger warning- I will be talking graphically about my anxiety and a tad of info my endo, so if regular period talk grosses you then seriously don’t read this on a full stomach though I won’t be getting graphic with this part of things.
Its hard to believe just a year ago I was doing amazingly, and honestly happier than I had been in almost a decade. I had a new boyfriend who was wonderful, had just gotten rid of all the toxic people in my life and I had been accepted to a brilliant university for which I just missed out on the grades. Things had never been so good, and clearly I opened my big mouth and said ” Roll on 2016!”. No stupider words were ever spoken. Honestly this is a year I feel we as a society just need to forget, never even mind our personal issues this year.
Just before 2016 started I started to get sick. Like really sick. I had a serious “period” for want of a better word that lasted over two weeks so I had to go to a walk in centre. This was followed by more doctors than I can count and not an awful amount of help. Since then I have had surgery, but things sadly could still get worse. Before the surgery I had a pain in one of my tubes and an ultrasound tech told me the tube looked blocked. Now the doctors are telling me its nothing, that I imagined this in my head and that I should take anti depressants. That’s right, because when you are not depressed and in chronic pain anti depressants are going to do so much good! Nhs logic for you there folks. Friends can see from looking at me that side is still swollen, and its bringing more symptoms than I should mention in a non endo focused post.
From here on out I just lost all faith in the chance I would ever get better and ,as anyone else with anxiety and panic disorder will know, doubt is just food for the paranoia fire in your mind. My anxiety made a comeback in a big way with my panic disorder reaping havoc right before my exams. My course work grades are constantly below my level from the pain and the anxiety, and I barely make it to my exams with this bloody fatigue, it almost feels like it would be worth dropping out all together. When these thoughts take over I honestly just get the urge to rub my hands together until the skin rubs right off, I wind up having to submerge them in cold water to avoid washing them raw.
But the thing is whether you are mentally ill, chronically ill or just going through a royally shit time, nothing lasts forever. I know right now my life is pretty messy, but it will get to a point where I can cope, and to anyone who can relate to this post- you are not alone. Life is horrible and it sucks sometimes, but I know it got better before, so it can get better again. So knuckle under until it does get better and try to steal as many good minutes as you can to make this time meaningful and to take back a bit of control. Doubt may be one of the things that can wash over your mind and ruin everything, but hope is what carrying you through.