Trying to find normalcy

Normal isn’t a word that I have ever much related to. As a child I never felt this need to fit in that I know is hard for so many other children. I got picked on and called weird but honestly that never bothered me. I would much rather be me and didn’t see the appeal of trying to be just like everyone else when what everyone else was doing was,well, boring.

It was only recently I have wanted to “blend in”. There gets a point where being yourself is all well and good but you wish someone understood. I felt that a lot over Christmas and the new year. Its hard to open up to your friends and family when you know they don’t fully understand what you are going through much as they try, or when blatantly don’t want to try. I think we all have that relative that looks at us in such a way you know they are thinking “why can’t you just be normal?” and its heart breaking. As someone who has always been unapologetic to be myself it was strange to feel so isolated and not for anything I ever expected. I was use to it when it was because of how I dressed or how I acted or even my mental health.

When people hated me for the things I loved or accepted about myself I couldn’t have cared less. Its when the things we hate about ourselves isolate us when it really becomes difficult. Over Christmas I hated my body for making me feel so rotten. Over Christmas you want to be with your friends and family and to be happy and take a break from the usual issues you face, but for me they just got worse, I found myself just wanting to fit in with the fun, to not be in pain or struggle socially or be unsure in what to say. Its hard when the people you love are asking how it feels to be better now when you know odds are you are never going to be better.

I got back to university this week and was prepared for this to just get worse.I thought being surrounded by my peers would just remind me how wrong and broken I felt, until my housemate got home. She asked how I had been and I am a pretty open person so I just said “well they gave me anti depressants”. She smiled and said “Ooo which ones?” and we proceeded to swap notes on side effects and dosage as though we were discussing food or a TV show. It was such a small thing but moments like that just help to remind you that there’s always someone out there who gets it, and sometimes that just makes it all feel normal. And boring as normal is, it feels good sometimes.